Sunday, September 6, 2009

6: "Sleeping My Way to the Top" joke essay, Aug. 12, 1992






Sam and Me, Copy of Life Magazine that was on 1964 newsstands week I was born.

6.

Unpublished Satire by Lurene Helzer, August 12, 1992, “Sleeping My Way To The Top.” This is a joke essay I put together for old friend Victoria Hecht in college. It centers on childhood habit of using Fox Terrier “Sam” as cover to get more sleep in morning. I blame long-dead Sam, the Los Angeles Police Department, California’s earthquakes, and Russia’s communists for all my tough breaks in life:

Los Angeles. 1985. The citizens of this metropolis peacefully slept in the middle of a typical southland evening. Some were awake attending peacefully to the business of the city’s night. Driver’s drove, bakers baked, muggers mugged, cops ate donuts and beat people up. Then, it happened.

Los Angeles jolted. Earthquake.

As the horror swept the city, guests at an obscure Motel 6 awoke astounded. They saw the water in the pool swish back and forth. Sixty-seven year old Betty Hornbecker awoke in astonishment, her face pasty and white with Ponds Cold Crème, and grabbed hold of the American Flag by her bedside under the misimpression that the Russians were finally invading.

But in room number five, the stunned tourists watched in living fear of death a truly unbelievable scene. “Mom. Oh my God. Is she…could she be…?”








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